Mr. Cranky Pants

So yes the date with Harry Potter went well but I've put all my eggs in one basket before and lived to regret it. So while I was talking to the Cute One, The Librarian and Harry Potter, I was also talking to the Construction guy.

He is 42, blond, well-built and divorced (really truely!) with a 14 year old living east of the mountains. I really can't remember if I winked or he did but we were having some email conversation. He seemed very sweet and sensitive. After a period of time we exchanged IM ID's and phone numbers.

So our first conversation was a bit stilted. He did say he is very shy so I spent a lot of time pulling information out of him. I asked about his experience on Match. He told me he went out with one woman and she ended up stalking him....huh? Really? He has a restraining order...really? Huh! She keyed his car? Huh! She drives past his house? Huh? And on and on and on.

So sensing his irritation level is going up I ask about his daughter. She's 14, he loves her and she lives east of the mountains. Okay good so far.....he hates his ex-wife....really? Huh! She keeps his daughter from him...really? Huh? She can't make a decision to save her soul? Huh! She procrastinates....hmmm okay? Ummmm I make up an excuse and end the call. Okay so maybe he's in a bad mood?? We talk the next night and the same thing. So not really enjoying talking to him I kind of back off. I'm allowed to do this right? I haven't even met the man....right?

He emails and tells me he knows I'm online because it says so and why am I not answering him ?(Match shows when you're online...a bit irritating) I email back and tell him I was online only briefly. Later I hide my profile (you can do this so people don't know you've checked them out) and forget to turn it back on. Whamo! He sends me an email says I've hidden my profile so I must have found Mr. Right...good luck. I email back and say .......no just forgot to turn it on. So he persists and asks about a date and I give in thinking maybe in person he'll be more cheeerful?? I throw out a couple of dates and he can't make a decision. Finally he says this Match thing isn't working for him and I say "okay and bye-bye". After a few more attempts on his part to contact me he gives up.

So let's get this straight he got stalked, hates procastinators and people who can't make a decision?? Isn't that what he did to me? Sigh.....okay well there's a new guy I'll try....... Banjo Boy!

Harry Potter

So onward and forward.... While I was considering the librarian I was also talking to.... Harry Potter. Or maybe Ghandi? John Lennon? Okay a guy with little round glasses. He wasn't inundating me with emails, he easily agreed to the date I chose, he didn't immediately ask for my phone number (hello boys supposed to be anonymous!) and he chose the place to meet. Wasn't wishy washy and indecisive. Here is his first contact...

Hello Puppy Gal,You sound more like a chameleon than a human, and that's good, I like chameleons. Actually I find your picture attractive, and your profile short and um ... quirky? It's good, I like it. I hope you like mine as well, and I hope to hear from you. And yes, I do like dogs, my place is a regular hangout for the neighborhood gang of four dogs (Chloe, Zeke, Tough, and Ball).

Puppy Gal is my chosen handle. So short sweet and to the point all good. So we agreed to meet on a Saturday night. I dressed in my "Match" uniform and headed off into the night. Now another tactic I use is to get there before they do so I don't have to do that walk across the room, eyes searching for someone, anyone who resembles that fuzzy picture they posted. Usually a cut off job with a female hand or a bit of hair sticking out from one side...a tiny remnant of the past.

I seat myself facing the door and wait. "Is that him?" no too short...."Wait is that him?" no too young....Finally he comes in. He is just as tall as he said...yippeeee! So he stops and says my name, I answer yes and he says "You look nothing like the picture you posted" Oh %$#@ what does that mean?? Is that good? Or bad?? I knew I should have chosen a different picture!! So I ask "Is that good or bad?" He says "Oh no it's good! You're fine! I mean...you know you're fine. Oh crap" I may be a mean mean woman but his discomfort makes me more comfortable.

We have a drink and since all goes well move on to dinner. Now I am a fine hearty eater in most cases but on first dates I become daterexic...can't eat. But I also know if I don't eat he won't feel comfortable eating. So I order a salad and pick. He's very nice, doesn't stare at my boobs, ends the date at a comfortable point, gives me a hug and asks me out again. "Sure!" I say, thinking "Wow a second date. Huh!" We walk out and I see him get into his Porshe Boxster...sigh the pattern continues...

I wonder what will happen?

The Librarian

Okay so while I was swooning disgustingly with the cute one, I was also talking to the librarian. Really he is. Or rather becoming one. Such an opposite of the cute one. Well read, politically in line with me and obviously very well educated. It takes a lot of school to be a librarian. In between flirty texts I had had a couple of phone conversations with him.

Honestly I had two reservations....one, it was hard to get a word in edgewise with this guy. Now I'll admit one of my greatest faults in life is interrupting people and talking too much but this guy made me seem quiet by comparison. Well...maybe he babbles when nervous?? The second reservation was a little embarrassing.... I knew a man who worked in the same mall I did several years back. He was so very nice, HIV positive and a former "Miss Florida" in other words a big old flaming drag queen. I loved him! But never had an urge to date him. The librarian?? Sounds just like him. Is this something I can deal with?? We make a date and I resolve to give it a shot.

So the date is the same day as the Apple cup. Alas the librarian is a huge Husky fan and must watch the game to the bitter end. So we make plans to meet around 8:00 that night. He will come straight from the game. I put on what I now consider my "Match" uniform (hey I paid good money for it, why not use it?) and go to the same bar, the same table to wait. After the waiter takes my drink order I realize I must look like a prostitute. Different men very week? Alas not a very good one...I never even got a birthday present.

Okay so first off he shows up a half hour late, not so good I'm a stickler for time...don't waste mine. Then he's wearing a sweatshirt with the arms cut off and pants that look like he painted his kitchen in them. Also not good. I mean I realize he was watching a game but would it have killed him to bring a different shirt?? Okay let that go Miss Match.

So we talk and he is still well read and interesting...very good....but what's he doing?? Is he....??? Nah, couldn't be...holy @#%* he is! The man is alternating between long looks at a game on the TV's (note to self find a bar with out TVs) to long looks at my boobs! What?? Okay so I pull my shirt closed. Nope that just drew more attention to them. He cannot seem to get his eyes up. Hello!! Up here! Oh wait now it's the TV again, now boobs, now TV, now boobs......grrrrrr!

Alrighty time to invoke the "I've got to get up early excuse" and get the hell away. Lesson learned drag queen voice doesn't necessary mean gay but may very well mean annoying boob watcher. So now there is a guy with Harry Potter glasses wonder what he's up to next weekend??

Sunday morning Quarterbacking

Yes, considering the unintentional and unwanted "theme" of the date I thought the quarterbacking term was appropriate. Okay so what do I think of what just happened? Hmmmm, yes he's still cute. Yes, he was fun to talk to. Yes, we definitely had chemistry on the phone, in texts and in emails. But what about in person?

I have a history of kind of just falling into relationships. The first time I went out with my twenty something boyfriend I came home and told my roommate "Yeah, he was nice but I don't think I'll go out with him again." That was when I was 22 and I ended up dating him on and off until I was 32. Why? Because he asked again...and again...and again. The next significant relationship I had I thought of reasons monthly why it wasn't going to work and vowed monthly not to continue it. But did. Why? Because I liked him a lot and kind of just ignored that still small voice (my mother's term)that told me to knock it off.

Okay so what about this one? The inattention football thing? Annoying but typical. The no reading since high school thing? Borderline dealbreaker. The ex wife thing? Probably a huge red flag waving right in front of my face. The not "quite" divorced yet thing? Shows this man is just not available. So just stop Miss Match. But he was cute! Just stop!

Okay so raised to be polite and mannerly to a fault I email and say "Thank you for the good time" and nothing.... not a peep....huh? After all those texts nothing? I'm ticked off for a couple of days until I realize..

1) I'm ticked because I hate the fact that he made the decision not to continue the conversation when I was thinking the same thing. Kind of an immature "I'm sorry you dumped me, I wanted to dump you first" thing.

and...

2) I was comfortable with how it was going because it was just a continuation of the relationship that just ended. It was easy and familiar.

Okay sometimes self-awareness is slightly uncomfortable but good. Okay I've been talking to this other guy too. Let's try this again.......

The Date

As I run through the raindrops to the car (mustn't mess the careful prepared "do") I realize he has brought "The 'Vette". Now there are a couple things that all my many men (HA!) have had in common...One, emotionally unavailable (whoops, this is supposed to be funny right?) two, generally shorter than me and three, really nice cars. Now I don't intentionally seek out any of those things they just seem to happen. Aside from the first one (the unfunny one) the other two don't really bother me. I would like a man to be taller so that I don't feel like Godzilla but I'm pretty used to being taller than most, so I got over that. The car thing is pretty funny I've dated Porshe man, Alfa Romeo man, NSX man, Mercedes man and now Corvette man.

I get into the car and I'm told that I should be suitably impressed because "she's from Vegas and has never been driven in the rain" Who?? Is there a girl in the back seat (wait no back seat) I didn't see? Ohhhh the car. So knowing I'm supposed to take an interest in what they're interested in I make suitable thankful noises. I'll admit that I don't get that whole be interested in what they're interested in thing totally. I mean if I waxed poetic about how I chose my hair color "just for him" would he care? Make those same suitable thankful noises? I think not.

So we drive to a local restaurant and take a seat in the bar. The thought being there, we call it "a drink" and if all goes well, we have dinner. So there are about six TVs in the bar and immediately I notice it will be difficult for him to focus on me with all that going on. Sigh, a football man. Alright well no one is perfect soldier on. So we start to awkwardly talk (remember we have been texting VERY flirtatiously for about two weeks) and ask each other questions.

So I read a lot and ask about that....what?? He hasn't read a book since high school? Ohhhh that's not good. Okay again no one is perfect and he is very cute. Okay ask about his kids. Ahhhh, a smile and animation...very good. Even cuter! Well maybe the whole football no reading thing is okay. RRRRRIIIIINNNNGGGGG! His cell...surely he won't answer. Whoops surely he will. It's the ex wife. Okay well they have kids together he has to answer...right? Alright that was brief no problem. We get drinks and an appetizer and continue to talk.

Yup, he's pretty cute and getting cuter with my second Margarita. Sure he wore jeans and a sweatshirt but that's just a man thing. We're smiling, we're talking...all is good. He's still cute.....RRRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGG! His cell...his ex wife. Hmmmm, calling to tell him it's snowing where they are...okay. Hmmmm. So we leave and take a drive in the fast car. Maybe not a smart thing to do but I'm at a bit of a loss what to do now. Plus I would like to get him away from the TVs.

So we take a drive and he shows me the house he used to live in, drive along the Kirkland waterfront, talk some more...okay this is better. We end up in another bar with more TVs, sigh. Again no eye contact. RRRRRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGG! Now I wonder who that is? The ex wife saying the kids want to say goodnight. Okay that's fine right? It's pretty cute...right? So he hangs up and I ask how long they've been separated (yes I knew they weren't quite divorced)....less than a month?? When did he sign up on Match? The next day? Ohhhhhh. That's not good. Soon we leave, I get a hug and I'm home.

Now....what do I think of that? I'll sleep on it.

Preparations

Oh @#%&! What was I thinking? I haven't been on a blind date in over two years and that one just about gave me a nervous breakdown! I had to go out and buy a new dress, shoes and make sure my hair was perfect. Plus I drove to Southern California for that one. I think I made my friend Mary a little nuts. I know you can't pace in a car but whatever it was that I was doing was the equivalent. I am too tall, too fat, too old? Again were the pictures I sent too good? A friend told me to make sure I told him I wasn't a "California Girl". Huh? Was that some kind of remark on my appearance? Can I lose twenty pounds in a week?

All right calm yourself and think. Okay I mostly wear glasses but the pic I posted shows me with contacts, find them...okay done. Now the picture only shows my head. How can I camouflage my butt? Can I lose twenty pounds in a week? No that didn't work before it won't now. I did say a "few extra pounds" in my profile. Was that the right choice? Should I have said "curvy"? "Heavyset" no that's not right...is it? Where were the "Lush" "Zaftig" and "Several extra pounds" choices when I needed them??

Alright...shop! I hate shopping. Need some black pants, new shirt, shoes and bra? Bra?? Noooo better not do that, that's inviting trouble. But I have too! Dog training only requires sports bras and those are NOT very flattering. Okay well just don't think about it that way. That will bring up a whole new set of neurosis. Shave legs? Nooooo don't do that. But what if I cross my legs and he can see? Okay only to the knee...that's all right? Right?

STOP! It's just a date I might not like him he might not like me. Still no reason to look ugly...right? Okay dressed....ready to go....fortified with a Margarita...gonna throw up. Wait is that a new zit? Noooooooooooooooo! Oh shoot he's at the door. Why the heck didn't I meet him somewhere? He could be a serial killer! Is there time to back out?

Just breathe and open the door.........Hi!

Conversation

Oh no! The cute guy emailed me back! I was just...just...kidding? What was I thinking? Okay calm down it's just a freakin' email idiot. Alright what's this? What do I do? That's easy.....what do I do for fun? Crap! I'm poor nothing absolutely nothing. Okay must make self sound sort of interesting...okay that's good. Okay ask about his daughter....ohhhhh?? What's this?? Is he flirting with me? Hmmmmm...

Oh he's really good at this very flirty and fun :) I'm liking this. A little back story might be helpful. I just recently broke up with a man who was a long distance relationship and all we really did for two years was email and text so this is all very familiar to me. I can feel myself sliding back into this familiar territory. What was that he said? Ohhhh that's a bit more than flirty. I'd say downright frisky:) Still kind of liking it. Should I? Does that make me a weirdo? Ahhh heck with it I'm going to roll with it. Okay buddy back at you with this! What you want my phone number??? Oh @%*$ !!!!

Ohhhh to text. Okay. Wow he upped his texts for me! Wow! Again is this a little strange? Probably but who said the first guy has to be anything but fun right? Rebound that's what it is nothing strange about that....right? Okay so the fact that we've sent many texts to each other isn't weird....okay maybe it is but still kind of liking it. RRRRIIIIINNNNNNGGGG! Oh no he's calling! He wants to meet! What day? Okay it's a date.

What will I wear and what the hell did I say in all those texts?

Winking

Okay so I've never really "dated" I've had one significant relationship after another. So this talk to a whole bunch of guys at once makes me feel like I'm doing something vaguely wrong. Like I'm a "Match" slut. I spoke to a friend who has done this before and he told me to knock it off and that I should have "dated" long ago. Okay..

First day I perused all the men within 50 miles of me. You're supposed to find the ones who interest you and "wink" at them. Almost immediately the winks starting flying in for me. Now I was never a guy magnet. I had a roommate who was a magnet I lived with in my twenties and I was always amazed. But now? I'm popular!! Look at me They want me, woo hoo! Wait...all they can see is my head...why do they want me? Hmmmm this is interesting and disturbing all at the same time.

Some were cute...that's good. Some seemed interesting...also good. What's this I'm this man's "life partner" and "God's Dove"...huh? More like Satan's Turkey, I'd say. What the...? Ohhhh this guy wants to clean my house while I watch? Yeuuw! Oh no a man with a picture that looks like it was taken in his parents basement where he's been playing dungeons and dragons for the past twenty years. Complete with black light posters! He wants me to dominate him, double yeuuuw.

Okay maybe I'll try the winking thing myself. Here's one Pretty cute with a picture with his four year old. Seems normal, taller than me, about the same age and close. Okay what the hell..wink!

Wonder what will happen?

Getting started

Getting started
Okay so I am a 39 year old single woman. I have had two significant relationships in my adult lifetime. One that lasted all through my twenties and destined to go nowhere, but was fun. And most recently another that I was kind of sorry to see go. It was long distance and I considered making it short distance but the other person just "wasn't that into me". I figured the only way to get over one is to replace it with another...better one:) Therefore I joined Match.com.
About a month ago my roommate and I drank a wee bit too much wine. In a slightly loopy mood (okay drunken) I logged on, gave my credit card number and joined. Oh shoot now what? I have to put up a picture, tell about myself, describe my date?? Okay...

Step One: The picture
Who would have though adding a simple picture would be so difficult? Here's a little taste of how my brain works (and possibly an explanation of why I'm still single:) So you have to have a picture...but which one? Not one too good, that's too much to live up to and quite possibly false advertising. But then again not too bad or no one will email you. So I show everyone I know pictures and ask the question which one?? Get twenty different answers...not so helpful. So I just choose and get "Oh you picked that one?" "Why is it bad, too good what??" "No I'm sure it's fine" Oh crap. Alright well it's up a slightly idealized version of me but not too idealized... I hope.

Step Two: About me
Now I have to write a little blurb about me. So I hide my profile and do a little competition reconnaissance. The women talk about being honest, loving and "real". Am I real? Hmmmm, I think so. Their pictures are softly fuzzed beauty shots, mine is one of those hold up the camera in front of you and smile deals. Alright I will buck the trend and be my slightly sarcastic, not too serious snarky self. No talk of walks on the beach, five seconds later I'm done.

Step Three: My date
Now I have to choose the criteria I expect from my date. Eyes, check gotta have those. Ohhh color. Doesn't matter same for hair. Height....here's what I've found men under six feet ALWAYS lie about their height! I'm tall and they still lie! Like I'm not going to figure it out. I don't care...really but jeez when you say you're six foot and I'm looking at your bald spot, puhleeze. Weight again hmmmm I'm a bit chubby right now do I have the right to say "athletic and toned" when I'm not? Nah don't really care about that either. Okay a few more and save!

Wonder what will happen?